In working with couples, it is quite evident that men and women give different meanings to lovemaking. It is common, and not terribly surprising, that many women do not fully understand the nature of the sexual relationship from a man’s perspective.
While it may be true that most men think about sex a lot, many scholars have assumed that it has something to do with the testosterone. But men’s urgency about sex is not always about physical desire only. So, what does sex truly mean to men and why do they seek it? How might this be different from what females experience in their desire and search for physical release and connection? Today we are going to look at 20 things sex means to a man.
One… Sex can satisfy multiple needs at several levels for a man, giving him an opportunity to feel closeness, vulnerability, reassurance and self-wholeness; all in one experience.
What most women don’t understand is that for many men, sex is the deepest level of intimacy. This is not an inferior type of intimacy; it is a male type of intimacy. To a man, sex can feel like the most profound, genuine sharing of himself he can ever imagine. It is not just a robotic release of sexual tension, it is the experience of giving his all in the drive to feel as close as possible to his married spouse, whether he feels he is in love or not. It is the fulfilment of the most essential human need to connect.
Two… For the man, sex may replenish his soul, but to the woman, his interest may feel only physical. Because a wife can get those same needs met partly in other ways, it is hard for her to imagine that her man may get that primarily, and sometimes only from lovemaking. Women naturally create connections in their lives, so they have other sources of emotional fulfilment that men may only attain through their sexual experiences.
Wives think that emotional intimacy is best achieved through talking about feelings and opening up to one another. When their men are not interested in this kind of intimate sharing, wives can feel lonely and unheard, lowering their interest in further intimacies. Unfortunately, wives who feel emotionally disregarded perceive their men’s sexual pressure not as a need to connect, but as a need to take. Many wives feel that if their husbands would be more emotionally responsive, they might want to have sex more.
Although emotional openness is increasing between spouses, there is still an unspoken limitation on how much emotional openness is acceptable in a man. Women have societal permission to express their emotional needs, but males have been trained to be enduring and don’t speak out. Only in the privacy of lovemaking does the man feel free to share himself at all levels with his married partner.
Three … Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.
Four … Sexual connection for a man can also feel unequalled. Good sexual experiences take people out of themselves, lifting them out of their egos, and expanding them beyond the little workaday self. The experience of transcending the mundane reminds a man there is more to life than his daily routine. Lovemaking softens tough male defences and moves him into the sublime experience of merger with another person. Men are so pressured to be practical, rational thinkers that sex becomes their only way to rise above the tyranny of what everyone expects of them. They can leave their brains and reconnect to their souls.
But problems occur when men try to meet emotional and transcendent needs in sex without acknowledging that is what it means to them. Sex can then take on a driven, addictive quality, as unspoken emotional needs are compulsively expressed in action not words. The man is not aware of how truly needy he is, nor in which ways, and so sex becomes never enough, just like any intoxicant that is used to satisfy needs it was never meant to.
Men must realise that if they are trying to meet all these needs primarily through sex, their wives will get burned out. Women typically do not meet their emotional needs primarily through sex, and so sex with an emotionally driven man may feel more like giving than getting. In other words, she correctly senses that he is trying to make a deep emotional connection under the guise of sex, but because he himself is often unaware of this motive, he does not understand why she seems to see sex as tiring. It is not the sex that is tiring, it is the man pretending his needs are only about sex, as well as his reluctance to open up emotionally and communicate in the rest of their relationship.
The more a man is aware of his strong need for intimate connection, vulnerability, and reassurance, the more he can find additional ways of getting his emotional needs met with his wife outside the bedroom. Through sharing his feelings more with his wife, his emotional needs can be met directly in a way that replenishes the wife too, making her feel closer to him so that sex is an experience to be looked forward to, not avoided.
Meanwhile, wives can have a new appreciation for the meanings sex can have to their men. He needs some understanding too. Sex for him is about a lot more than it looks like.
Five … For many men, sexual contact opens up a gateway to their soul. Like turning on a tap of running water, they suddenly get in touch with raw feelings, the virtues of tenderness and the need to depend on another human being for warmth and safety.
Questions and answers
How does my body talk to my brain for sex, which one controls me the most during sex, my body or my brain?
The latest husband
Well the best way I can explain is this, your brain stays in touch with your body through the nerves. This network is called your peripheral nervous system, and it has two major parts. One controls the things you don’t have to think about, like your heartbeat or digestion (autonomic nervous system). The other (somatic nervous system) connects your senses to your brain and lets you move your muscles. Your brain is your body’s control centre, and your spinal cord is its message hub. Together, they make up your central nervous system. Your brain is always “talking” to the rest of your body. Messages go through your spinal cord to your arms, legs, penis, vaginal, clitoris, prostrate and all your other body parts and organs. Your brain is also in charge of how you talk, walk, and even breathe. There’s a lot going on in a small space, so it creates folds and grooves to make room for all the information it has to hold. Your nerves are made of tiny cells called the neurons. They carry messages to and from your brain. You have billions of them. Some clue your brain in to what’s going on with your eyes, breast, penis, vagina and skin. Others take messages from your brain to your muscles.
Does a man really go through menopause?
I am 65 years old, still want and love sex but my strength is failing. Does a man go through menopause?
Mr. Adamolekun Adamu Bello
Yes, a man goes through menopause, but to a large extent, different from a woman’s. Menopause is a term used to describe the end of a woman’s fertility; it literally means the end of menstruation. Female menopause is characterised by changes in hormone production. The male testes, unlike the woman’s ovaries, do not lose the ability to make hormones. A healthy male may be able to make sperm well into his 80’s or longer.
On the other hand, subtle changes in the function of the testes may occur as early as 45-50 years of age, and more dramatically after the age of 70. Because men do not go through a distinct male menopause period, some doctors refer to this as androgen (testosterone) deficiency in the aging male. Men typically experience a decline in testosterone production due to aging, but it can also be related to some diseases like diabetes. Whether waning function of the testicles contributes to such symptoms as fatigue, weakness, depression, decreased sexual desire, or impotence remains uncertain. If testosterone levels are low, replacing that hormone may help relieve them. However, replacing male hormones can worsen prostate cancer and high cholesterol levels.
Can a hysterectomy cause sexual problems for a woman?
I am a grandmother. Although still very active sexually, I recently underwent a hysterectomy. I still feel like having sex and want to but my husband thinks I should take it easy. Will engaging in sex complicate my health?
Lovely grand mother
Some women may experience changes in sexual function after a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus). These changes may comprise a loss of desire, decreased vaginal lubrication and genital sensation. Furthermore, surgery can damage nerves and blood vessels considered critical to a woman’s sexual functioning. The best way to go about it is trying doing things bit by bit. You may not have sex the way you used to before the operation and you may have to take things easy, even when you feel you are okay. Little drops of water and little grains of sand make a mighty ocean. As time goes on, you may resume sex fully. So, take your husband’s advice and be in good health.
How can I improve my oral sex skills?
I am a husband with keen interest in giving my wife a good oral sex, but I lack the skill and courage. Is there a better way to go about it?
Think about something you excel at and chances are, you rock it because you really enjoy doing it. The same goes for giving great oral sex. The best way to be great at oral sex is to learn to like it. Or at least act like you do. That will help her feel more comfortable and then you will find you actually do enjoy it.
The biggest mistake husbands make when performing oral sex is going straight for the wife’s genitals. Don’t dive right in like it’s a pounded yam-eating contest! She’s not warmed up yet and it might even hurt her if she’s not aroused. The best thing to do is to tease her and draw out the experience before you even start going down. Plant kisses on her abdomen and thighs. Use your hands to gently massage the area surrounding her vagina to heighten her anticipation. When you finally do make contact, start off slowly with slight licks and gentle caresses to warm her up. Use both the tip and flat part of your tongue to flick and lick. Women tend to prefer circular motions, but experiment with different speeds and pressure, and pay attention to how she responds. If you’re feeling adventurous, try tracing the alphabet with your tongue, or lightly humming to create a slight vibrating sensation. You can also throw your fingers into the mix to try a little G-spot stimulation along with your tongue. As she gets closer to climax, keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Once she’s had her Big O, return to the gentle kisses around her outer labia and thighs before popping your head up to experience the praise for your hard work.
She is a top official but I want to conquer her on bed
Please Funmi, how do I get my top official wife to have sex with me more often? Yes, she is my boss at work but the only thing I can do to feel like a boss to her is to make her want sex with me more, as in like beg me for more. Give me clues.
You’re never going to “get” anyone to have more sex with you if you look at it as a one-way traffic. You want more sex and you expect your wife to come along for your pleasure ride. If you really want more sex from your wife, tailor the sex to her needs, instead of focusing all your attention on your pleasure and your ego.
While it’s common for couples to have mismatched libidos or pay cheque, it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like sex as much as you do, or not accepting you as her boss at home, she just might not need it as often, because of her work demand. A woman’s sex drive is tied to her brain and sense of security more than her nether regions. This means she needs to be warmed up for action. Foreplay starts after the last orgasm; so, if you’re feeling that she’s never in the mood, work on turning her on. Send her a flirty text message and tell her how good she felt last time you were together and what you’re going to do the next time you see her. Speaking of foreplay, kissing is another overlooked way to get things going and it’s often the first thing to slip by the wayside in long-term relationships. Lock lips to enhance intimacy and connection.
The last thing you want to do is to blame or pressure her, the more you push, the less she’ll want to give which won’t result in more action for you. You get more sex with helping her to be comfortable with you and herself even though she earns more. Sometimes, couples just aren’t matched up sexually no matter what you do, so it might take compromise on both parts to set a sex schedule that works for both of you.
(Copied from Punch)